Post Pardon-Me Blues

Today, I wrote down all the feelings I am experiencing regarding the numerous interactions I have had with others in the past few days. The intent was to help me indentify this feeling of being in the "funk" I am currrently in. The obvious explanantion is due to the after-effects of coming off the high of Halley's wedding. The easiest way to describe it is similar to the depression like feelings after having a baby, called baby blues.

Checking on the web for the correct term, this statement popped out. "Two out of three mothers undergo the "baby blues," a feeling of let down after the emotional experience of childbirth. (postpartum.net/)."

Somehow, Halley's wedding has put me in this same type of feeling, and when you think of it, it has been like childbirth, mine anyway. Her birth was my first successful homebirth. We prepared for months, and prayed continually to do it at home- since the first attempt with Becki resulted in a transport to the hospital. Halley again, has put me in a position of a first although she is second born. This was my first wedding where I was very active partnering with her in the birth of her new life; separate from me, both utilizing our uniqueness and cooperation because of our closeness, but again, cutting the cord. This reminds me what my mom said in her poem:

My days with you are over,
I have to live this fact.
The LORD told me "Let go of them,
It's time to take them back.

He placed you in my body,
My part a mother's role,
Allowed to labor for your birth
But He gave you a soul.

You were never mine to own,
Just borrowed for a time,
Branches stemming from the tree,
attached to Chrst, the vine.

So the excitement is over of probably the most significant earthly event between birth and death for my girl. My part a mother's role is done -or at least changed as we now say- to alleviate feelings of being displaced. I will be turning the page momentarily but before I go-pardon me- as I breathe in the memories of Halley's life and breathe out the quick love affair between me and my second born and release her to another.

I am grateful to look forward to new chapters that Halley and Koby write but a bit timid due to the fact I am not orchestrating any of it. I never like suspense but I do trust that their Father is watching over them. And I am ready to power up to release another, this time Chels.

So if I appear to be a little out of sorts, now you know why and so do I. It's apprapro to hear her dancing song at the moment, "I need to practice my dancin, so please daddy please, all too soon the clock will strike midnight and she'll be gone."